You’ve probably been in the middle of a sexual encounter and started wondering if your partner noticed that belly roll, or how your breasts flatten when you lay on your back.

When you focus on how your body looks to your spouse, you’re unable to focus on the love your partner is trying to give you or what you’re feeling in your body.

How you feel about your body can be one of the most influential things that affects your sex life.

The ironic thing is … Sex is NOT about how our bodies look. 

Sex is about what you can experience in your body and with your partner that connects you. 

But thoughts are powerful. And when you think your body is ugly, dirty, or embarrassing; it’s going to play into how you experience and feel during sexual encounters with your spouse.   

Body Shame Messaging
 
Even though I don’t want to discount the fact that men can struggle with body image, as women, we are bombarded with messages about our bodies. From birth to our very last breath, we’re told that beautiful bodies are the ultimate goal.  

You see it in the movies— the thin and curvy woman always gets the guy

You see it in the way we talk about men’s sexual desire—if you look good, you’ll be desirable 

I’m sure you’re all too familiar with these messages. We are conditioned to focus on our bodies. And it shows, even in how we interact with each other. 

What's the first thing girls comment on (often before anything else) when they meet up? 

“Hey did you get a haircut?” or “Your outfit is so cute! Where did you get those jeans?”

Without even a greeting, conversations are directed to the body in the room. 

Have you noticed this? 

On top of these messages about women’s bodies, female sexual organs are shown to be dirty or embarrassing. 

Products line the grocery aisles for scented vaginal cleansers and douching supplies. Telling you that vaginas are dirty, smelly and need a good spruce up. 

Did you know that the vagina is self-cleaning? In fact it's the ONLY self cleaning body part. (so put the douches down, girl! You don’t need’em)

All of these messages are internalized by so many women and make us feel pretty critical of our bodies. 

Body Image and Sex

If you are bringing negative views about your body into your relationship, this is how it might play out:

Your partner greets you in the kitchen after a long day's work and starts to make a move on you.

You bristle. 

You’ve had a long two days of skipping showers. Your body is holding onto that baby weight like it is its sole purpose. Your pits are hairy and your underwear is far past its expiration date. 

You feel completely embarrassed...and ugly.

Your reaction might be to push him away, “He shouldn't be attracted to me right now! I’m a hot mess!” 

Listen friends, if sex was based on how our bodies looked, or if our worth was based on how our bodies looked…we would NEVER be good enough for a good sex life. 

This is just one example of how the focus of your body can get in the way of feeling connection and pleasure with your partner. 
 
When you embrace where your body is, exactly as it is right now, it will open up your potential for more depth in your sex life and relationship as a whole. 

Intimacy From the Sidelines

Have you heard the term ‘spectatoring’?

It means that instead of focusing on what your body is experiencing in the moment, you’re focusing on how someone might be perceiving your body instead. 

‘Spectatoring’ is another sneaky way that our body image can pull us away from rich experiences during intimacy. 

In sexual encounters, rather than being present and allowing your partner to love on you, you’re thinking about how your partner is perceiving your body. You focus on thoughts like…

I wonder if my partner notices I haven’t shaved down there?

Do I smell bad right now?!

My tummy looks so flabby at this angle!

Maybe you’ve experienced this before (guilty! 🙋🏽‍♀️) 

This is a moment when your partner is giving love … and you are MISSING it! Entertaining those body-focused thoughts will prevent you from feeling pleasure (and can even stop you from reaching orgasm).

Start Here 

I’ve been there, and I know what a burden it is to loathe your body. It doesn’t have to be this way. Your body is amazing! And you can know that for yourself. Through the years I’ve been able to embrace more peace with my body and you can too. 

Here are some things I would recommend to get you started on the journey of finding peace with your body: 
           
🤯  Read Lindsey and Lexi Kite’s book, More Than a Body. 
This book focuses on seeing your body as an instrument rather than
an ornament (or object).

 💪  Focus on what your body can do instead of what it looks like. 
 
My belly is too squishy ➡️ My belly was able to carry my baby
 
I have too many wrinkles ➡️ This shows how much I’ve smiled

I’m not good enough ➡️ My body can get stronger and practice

💝  Refer to your body as ‘she’.
Your body is a gift and deserves love, care and respect. Your body is an instrument to love, experience, and bring goodness to the world. 

👩‍❤️‍👨  Redefine sex for yourself and your partner. 
Fulfilling and deeply connecting sex is not about how your body looks, so what can sex mean for you as a couple? What does it mean for your partner? When you focus on the deeper meaning of sex, you can allow your body to give and receive love while enjoying the deeper connection of sex.   

For help finding more meaning and connection in sex, check out my freebie here!