As a newlywed, I remember believing that it was my job (as a good wife) to keep my husband sexually satisfied. I was steeped in beliefs about sexuality that just weren’t true. Ideas such as: men will go as far as a woman lets him (meaning that women are the sexual gatekeepers),, and men always want sex... 

The belief that my husband always wanted sex led me to believe that I needed to consistently be having sex with him to keep him happy, and even faithful. I viewed my husband’s desire for sex like I might an uncontrolled wild animal. But because he’s not a wild animal (and just for the record, I am married to a wonderfully humble, loving, and committed man), these beliefs caused a lot of misunderstandings and heartache in our sex life.

Where did all these beliefs come from? I grew up in a strong faith tradition that brought many great things into my life that I still hold dear today. But, when it came to my beliefs about intimacy between a husband and wife , some of the beliefs instilled by the cultural traditions of my faith caused shame and fear. Any object lessons with poop in brownies, bruised rose petals, or torn paper plates ring a bell? The goal was to encourage sexual abstinence before marriage, but teaching methods and traditions often focused on fear and one’s sexual purity as the basis of people’s worth. . These types of beliefs are often known as ‘Purity Culture’. 


If you can relate to anything I’ve written so far, then you’ll want to hear this episode with Dr. Camden Morgante. She is a clinical psychologist, professor, writer, and speaker who helps women and couples recover and heal from purity culture as they rebuild their faith. Check out her new book, ‘Recovering From Purity Culture’ here.

You might be wondering, what IS purity culture? 

Camden explains that this was a movement in religious traditions during the end of the 90s and into the late 2000s that emphasized teaching sexual abstinence before marriage by mainly targeting women. Though it originated in a lot of faith traditions, it can be found in larger society as well. 

The movement had some good intentions. It highlighted the consequences of individuals that had premarital sex, while also supporting the belief that God intended sexual relations to happen only between married couples. 

But with the good, there also came the bad.

The movement produced harmful messaging that people in their 30s and 40s may still struggle with today. Trying to build a healthy romantic relationship can be tough! But adding another layer of shame from purity culture can make it even more difficult.

Camden calls for a balance of valuing sexual abstinence, while having a shame-free view of sexuality. There needs to be a more holistic sexual education to Christians.  

Purity Culture in the Wild

Have you felt like you needed to protect your virginity from men? Do you think your value as a woman is founded in your status of purity and virginity? Do you believe that sex is only for men and their pleasure? Maybe you thought it was YOUR responsibility to not tempt men with immodesty and to stop them if they took the moment too far? 

These beliefs come from purity culture. 

Camden says, “Shame is the universal experience of purity culture”.

This is true for both men and women. 
Those who had premarital sex and those who didn’t. 

Shame is experienced on all sides. 

Purity culture also brought false promises and myths that tried to convince young people not to get involved sexually before marriage. The results of this, according to Camden, are negative views around sex. 

These include thinking that sex is only for men, women shouldn’t enjoy sex, or that women’s pleasure doesn’t matter. 

Women and Purity Culture 

Why were women the focus of the purity culture movement?

Camden believes it has its roots in patriarchy; she points out “one of the main ways that you can control a woman is through her sexuality and her procreation abilities.” Women's sexuality has been feared for a long time. This is something that didn’t start in the 90s, but dates back decades ago when women were considered property. 

Men and Purity Culture

But it's not only women that are affected. Men also get caught in the negative effects of these ideas. 

In purity culture, men are viewed as bottomless pits of sexual craving. They will always want sex and be ready for it - anytime, anywhere. But even research has told us this isn’t true. 

If this idea is internalized in unhealthy relationships, men may demand sex as their right and believe that their wife needs to give them sex when they want it (or they may have to look elsewhere for it).

In healthy relationships, men may feel pressure to engage sexually with their wife, even when they don’t want to, in order to protect her feelings. Due to women’s beliefs that men always want sex, women may take it personally if their husband doesn’t want to engage sexually. Women may feel like they’re not good enough or pretty enough to induce their husband’s desire, which can be a heavy blow.  

Despite the views of purity culture, consent is ALWAYS important, even in marriage. 

Shedding the myths of purity culture can allow you and your partner to be seen as you truly are. 

The Flipped Switch Myth

There’s a lot of expectation around sex, especially if you’ve held on until marriage. These expectations might come from the belief Camden calls the “flipped switch myth”. 

This myth convinces individuals that people who wait to have sex until marriage, will automatically have an amazing sex life from the start. 

But many of you probably discovered that your sexual debut can be awkward, painful or frustrating. 

God intended sex in marriage to be amazing! But it's wishful thinking to believe that you’ll know exactly how to create fireworks in the bedroom without practice, open communication, and exploration. 

Think about a professional athlete. They never reach a point of NOT needing to practice. 

It’s the same with sex!

If the wedding night fell short of your expectations, remember your intimate relationship with your spouse will improve as you put in more time and practice. You won’t be perfect at it your first time around, or even your 1000th. Sex is meant to grow and change over the years. It is a journey that you and your partner get to work through together. This is part of what makes it beautiful. 

Breaking Down the Lies 

Camden describes shame as feeling like, “I am bad or I am wrong.” If you were taught that your sexuality was bad, or your body is dangerous from purity culture myths, those ideas may have eventually become internalized. These Negative thoughts about yourself can take the form of false beliefs like: “My body is bad” or “My sexuality is bad.”

If you fell into these beliefs, those thoughts and feelings don’t just disappear when you get married! 

Camden helps clients get past shame and correct negative beliefs around sexuality by focusing on “head, body, and heart” alignment. 
 
Focusing on a negative belief and how it’s showing up in your life, can help you set goals to create new beliefs (aligning the head) and choose new behaviors (aligning the body).

For example, you could believe that your husband always wants to have sex with you. 

Because of this belief, it is then difficult for you to turn down sex, even when you don’t want it. 

A new belief could be that you’re allowed to want sex and not want sex. You’re allowed to say no when you don’t want it. 

The next time that he initiates and you aren’t up for it, say no. Then, check in with how your body is feeling when you said no.

Another important way you can combat these false beliefs is to start understanding your sexuality more - and talk with your husband about what you are learning! 

Talk with him about how you’re feeling about sex. 

Educate yourself on your pleasure and then tell him what you learned. (Sometimes you don’t even know what feels good!) 

If you’re wondering which myths you’ve internalized… Take Camden’s Purity Culture Quiz to learn what myths are most at play in your life.  

Camden also works with clients by breaking down your beliefs about sex. Some questions she would have you ask yourself are:

What are your beliefs about sex? 
Where did they come from? 
Why did they give me this belief? 

To Those In a Struggling Relationship

Camden says, if you have “a godly and loving spouse”, they WILL care about your pleasure. This is helpful as you work to improve your intimate life and toss the false ideas aside. 
But what if your relationship is struggling right now? 

If you feel like your spouse doesn’t care about your pleasure or how you feel about intimacy, Camden recommends taking a different focus. 

“Sex would not be the biggest issue,” Camden says, and would not recommend focusing on intimacy first. 

If your marriage is in distress, work on your marriage as a whole. Seek professional counseling, and set boundaries to keep yourself safe. 

Shift Your Beliefs, Starting Now!

Camden has a lot of experience helping couples move from purity culture and reframing their beliefs in a healthy way. 

If you’re struggling with some of these myths, Camden suggests working to replace the myths of purity culture with truth by seeking out truth!

Journaling about your experiences, thoughts, and feelings can help get to the bottom of where your false beliefs are coming from. 

If you need additional insight, meet with a therapist or coach (like Camden) who can guide you in this journey.  

Camden also suggests finding a supportive community that relates to your experiences. This could be IRL or on the internet (I’ve got your back, girl!) Connection with others will diminish the shame you feel. 

I don’t want you to struggle in the dark. As Camden says, we want you to have a “3d experience with sex”. And it can start now.