I grew up believing that men were always in the mood for sex, that it was all they wanted, and if you wanted to keep your husband happy and faithful — you better keep them sexually satisfied. It was easy to believe because I heard comments and saw these types of beliefs everywhere.

And the sad part was…I believed ALL of these things about my wonderful husband. What a low view to have of the good men in our lives. Are there men who act this way? Sure. But good, trustworthy, and kind men do not.

As I started to learn more about sex, and the myths purity culture had taught me, I recognized there must be some big misunderstandings about male sexuality. THEN I saw the title of Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray’s book, “Not Always in the Mood.” I knew this was the missing piece.

Forget what you think you know about men's sexual desire, as Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray joins me in this episode to break down the myths you’ve probably believed about men and what we can do to change them.  

Sarah is a registered marriage and family therapist who holds a PhD in human sexuality from the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada. She is regularly sought after for her expertise in sex and relationships.

The beginning of her own research into men’s sexual desires started with her first research position out of school. During that time, Sarah worked with doctors prescribing a topical testosterone cream to see if it could increase sexual desire in women. The doctors were focusing on the medical aspect, but the nurses had other insights.

They were convinced, from working closely with patients, that the treatment wouldn’t work because most of the women in the study were unhappy in their current relationships. This is when Sarah discovered that desire for sex is complex.

As Sarah continued her education and research, she realized there was so much focus on women’s sexual desire (which is still worth studying!) BUT, there was a lot of missing information when it came to men's sexual desire. Assumptions are often made with no firm research to back it up. 

This is when Sarah began digging deeper to research males’ perspective on their desire. After finishing her book “Not Always in the Mood”, she is now working to bring awareness to the misconceptions of males and their desire for intimacy. 

Myths such as: men constantly think about sex, and men are always in the mood, are perpetuated all around us.Think about the movies you’ve seen (like every rom com ever) or comments from everyday conversations. Passing these false ideas will continue to negatively impact both men and women in heterosexual relationships.

It’s the Norm, Right? 

Where do these ideas come from? Some credit might be due from an evolutionary standpoint. But Sarah found it most interesting when these ideas stemmed from social expectation.

Social norms have been created around men's sexuality that are different from women.

In society, men are rewarded for sexual behavior. This includes being more open about their sexuality and being sexually active earlier in life. Contrast this with women’s social norms: repress your sexuality, be passive and let men lead sexual encounters. If you do like sex or initiate something, you’re criticized and labeled badly.

There's this idea that men's sex drive should just be high all the time. 
But we’ve got it wrong. Sarah points out that if a man doesn't reach this standard it creates challenges. Who wants to feel like they’re abnormal? And there are plenty of men that don’t fit that stereotype!

In Sarah’s book, Not Always in the Mood, there’s one myth that ties all of them together. This myth, she labels as the “Masculinity Myth”. The Masculinity Myth is the idea that in order to be “the manliest of all men,” as Sarah puts it, a man must always be ready for sex WHENEVER their partner wants it. And on top of that, men are expected to want to live up to this expectation because they really want sex all the time anyway.

During her interviews, Sarah discovered that men were aware of this expectation and often felt pressure because of it. So much so that some men admitted they pretended to be interested in sex because it’s what a man does, and they didn’t want to let their partners down. When a man says no to sex, it is not uncommon for their partner to take it personally (e.g. I’m not pretty enough).

Learning Through the Research

One of the most surprising things Sarah found in her research was the realization that men's desire can be complicated! Not unlike how women’s desire is often portrayed.

The men participating in the research talked about wanting to feel wanted from their partners. They wanted to be chased too sometimes (sound familiar?). They wanted their partners to initiate sex sometimes. It made Sarah question things she had assumed about men that now weren’t matching the research. 

Men reported feeling desired and wanted, beyond sex. The research participants wanted their partner to reach out to them in other ways, but these same individuals felt like their partners didn’t have a clue how important it was for them to feel desired.

Can you see how messy this can get if women play by the rules that society has given them and men follow along? The expectation is women shouldn’t initiate and wait to be chased. Yet men feel the burden of this expectation to be the chaser and always ready for sexual encounters. 

These two ideas can often work against each other in a relationship. Sarah says that it can be empowering for couples to challenge this dynamic. 

There are so many great discoveries that Sarah writes about in her book, but during our chat, we talk about 3 of the myths she covers.

Physical Appearance Myth

This myth, Sarah explains “is the idea that for men, physical appearance is …the most important factor that is gonna get them to feel sexual desire.” If you’ve ever heard men described as visual creatures, then you’re leaning into this myth. 

This myth is not necessarily false. But Sarah likes to think of it as “not true in all cases”’. The research showed that men were physically attracted to their partners (even if they didn’t fit the perfect body stereotypes). But, what was MOST revealing was the depth of emotional connection they felt in the relationship that often determined their desire. 

If their partner wore something suggestive, it wouldn’t be enough if the relationship wasn’t steady at that moment. Maybe they had gotten into a fight, maybe the connection was lost. This disruption in emotional connection would deter them from being interested in sex. 

The physical appearance myth shows that men in long-term relationships aren’t just in it for their pleasure, as commonly thought.

Men’s sexual desire is affected by emotional closeness and the health of the relationship. When your relationship is on the rocks, this is completely understandable to not want to have sex! And this applies to men too. Emotional connection is important for both men and women to feel desire. 

Initiation and Desirability Myth

This next myth is about how men are the initiators of sex. Men are the ones expected to sweep us off our feet. To chase us. And to take intimacy to the next level. It's ALL on them. 

The research participants shared that even if their partner showed inklings of wanting sex, they still felt obligated to start something (whether they were in the mood or not). Part of that came from fear that their female partners would doubt their interest in them.
 
This brought up questions like: why was it always on them to get something going? And why didn’t their partners put it all out there like they did? 

This boils down to men wanting to feel wanted and desired. The relationship can feel imbalanced when only one partner is the instigator. When you challenge this stereotype, it can create room for growth in the relationship where there is give and take on both sides.

Some men in the interview talked about wanting to be a more passive partner. There was interest in stepping down from the power position and being the receiver of sexual interest sometimes. 

Initiating sex and possibly being rejected can be a scary thing! How can you try out this new dynamic in the relationship even when it's uncomfortable? 

Sarah explains that showing desirability doesn’t always have to be in the form of sex. This could be romantic gestures like rubbing your partner’s back, giving a compliment, or flirting. So if it seems daunting to initiate sex, start small. If they look good, say it!

If you want to take a step in initiating more, consider, “How often do you initiate sex?” Could you try and do it a little more often than you have in the past? 

We all want to feel wanted. To feel loved and noticed by your person is important. Remember this when challenging the initiation and desirability myth. 

Simply showing your interest in small ways could help your partner feel more desired and wanted. Have you ever felt like your partner isn’t showing interest in you? How does that make you feel? This is a great way to think about how he might be feeling when you don’t show interest towards him. 

Men's🔥 Desire > Women’s🔥 Desire Myth

Men’s sexual desire is assumed to always be high! Not only is it ‘supposed’ to be high, but it’s ‘supposed’ to be higher than women’s desire for sex. 

Dr. Murray’s insights may surprise you as we put this into perspective. 

In studies that look at levels of sexual desire between heterosexual couples: ⅓ of female partners have higher desire than their partners, ⅓ of male partners have the higher desire, and ⅓ of couples have fairly compatible levels of desire.

If you are a woman who wonders, “Why is my desire higher than my husband?” know that you’re normal! Women can be the higher desire partner! 

This isn’t talked about enough and it can be hard when you feel you don’t fit within social norms. Sarah recommends that partners who feel different than what is expected of them when it comes to desire (low for males, high for females), talk about it.

How can your sexual desires be met when one partner isn’t interested? Know that it’s normal to have the sexual desire level that you have! Together, you can figure out how to both feel sexually fulfilled and loved, even when your desire doesn’t seem to match up. (And if you’re ready to make your sex life deeply connecting, check out my free 5 step guide, “Create a Deeply Connecting Sex Life.”)

It’s common to figure out differences in desire between partners. It can also change depending on the season of life, so don’t be surprised if it looks different for you now then in the past.

The important thing is to work with your partner on how both of your needs can be met and to not be ashamed no matter the level of desire that you have.  

Rewrite the Script

After learning about some of these myths, it's possible for you to rewrite the script society has given you. It's time to make your relationship truly authentic, rather than depending on false myths to tell you how to live your (sex) life. 

Can you see how you might’ve been trained to think and feel certain ways about sexuality- for both men and women? Sarah explains that knowing those influences are there, is a start. 

Are these scripts working for you and your partner? Sometimes it might be fine where things are at. But Sarah has found it’s rarely the case. She challenges you to consider if there's room to do things differently. Some questions to ask yourself and your partner are:

Does this feel authentic to you? To me? 

Are there ways that you maybe want to do it differently with me?

Sarah encourages you to be open to questioning the status quo in your relationship, 
There’s a lot that can shift in a relationship when you consider how these myths are at play in your relationship.

It’s not an easy fix, but catching these myths that come up allows you to open up a whole new conversation with your partner, and discuss what things are working for you and your partner and what can be better. 

Leaving Behind the Expectations

These myths are socially reinforced and can be tricky to catch. Sara recommends paying attention to see if these myths are pushing you to make assumptions about your partner that aren’t true. 

Talk to your partner and get his take on it. Ask if those stereotypes fit him and his experiences. 

Dig into what you want your sex life to look like in your relationship. If it doesn’t look like what you hope it to be, start now to shift things that feel right for you and your partner.