Recently I did a poll on my Instagram account asking the question if women had heard that sex (meaning intercourse here) would hurt the first time. 

95% of women said, “YES!”

But here's the sad truth, intercourse should NEVER be painful. Yet so many women experience painful intercourse and think it's normal 😞

How is it, that so many of us believe this lie that intercourse will hurt the first time — or forever? If this was a lie, what else do we believe about sex that is actually untrue for healthy relationships?

Well, friends. On the podcast I chatted about 3 myths you probably heard before getting married that can still be negatively impacting your sex life TODAY!

I’m diving into why these messages are hurtful and how they could still be impacting your relationship. 


Myth #1 Sex is going to hurt

I’ve heard comments made to brides-to-be, concerning the highly anticipated wedding night. Friends and loved ones will try to squeeze in all the advice to prepare the bride for her sexual debut. Of all the advice given, the common thing that's shared is to expect that intercourse will hurt.

But this is awful advice. 

Yes, pain can be a common occurrence the first time you have intercourse!

But here's the thing… 

It shouldn’t be! 

Sara Reardon from The Vagina Whisperer even says that “one in five women will experience pelvic pain during intercourse throughout their life” 

This advice sets up every woman who hears this to EXPECT pain during intercourse. This may cause women to avoid mentioning that it’s painful to their partner because they think it’s normal to feel pain. And when there isn’t pain? Phew! They’re just glad there wasn’t.

There should be no pain during sex OR intercourse. Period. 

If there is pain during intercourse, most situations can be resolved with simple solutions. In these situations, you might not be aroused enough for penetration or you need more lubricant.  

Other situations may need help from OBGYNs or pelvic floor PT’s. But if ever a doctor dismissed your pain from intercourse, just saying you need to “relax,” it’s time to find a new doctor.

When you come into a sexual encounter expecting pain, pain becomes the norm. Your focus may be on the fact that there was an absence of pain instead of the presence of pleasure. 

When I heard these comments of ‘painful sex’ I heard nothing about the pleasure and connection sex can offer for women. 

These comments are directed to having Intercourse, but did you know there are lots of ways to have a sexual encounter that doesn’t have to include intercourse? And often, these are the most pleasurable parts of sexual encounters for women. Intercourse can be a really great part of sex, but it doesn’t have to be the main event. 

If you’re pushing through pain, STOP. 

Pushing through pain will only make it worse and create hurtful patterns in your relationship. 

Pushing through pain will take something that could connect you so deeply with your spouse and attach it to pain and discomfort. 

That’s not what you want from sex!

If you’re focusing on whether you have pain or not in every sexual encounter you have, It's time to shift that thinking. 

Sex can be full of love, joy, and pleasure for you! It can bring connection and deeply bind you and your spouse. 


Myth #2 Have Sex to Keep Your Husband Happy

It’s commonly accepted that men like sex more than women. It’s often even portrayed as a physical need for them. 

Growing up, I heard plenty of comments from wives saying that they have sex just to keep their man happy. 

All of these conversations left out what pleasure and satisfaction could look like in sex for me as a woman. 

The focus of sex was to keep the man happy and sexually fulfilled. Sometimes I even heard the idea that if sex wasn’t happening often enough, it's not the man’s fault if he goes looking somewhere else for that ‘release.’. 

This weighed heavily on me for years. I feared that maybe my husband’s ‘sex drive’ was uncontrollable. So I wanted to make sure and keep him satisfied. Even if having sex doesn’t come out of fear of your spouse looking for that fulfillment somewhere else, many women feel it’s their duty to keep their husband sexually satisfied.

In these types of scenarios, sex often becomes a chore, or a way to take care of yet another person in your life. These patterns will squash desire and lead to resentment. 

The funny thing is, I don’t think my husband knew these types of thoughts were going on in my head. He certainly didn’t view sex in this way! But falling for these types of myths can make sex feel like a burden, instead of a place of connection and love for you and your partner.

As men and women, we BOTH need physical and emotional connection to have a healthy relationship. 

When you believe this myth, you’ll never be able to start to unleash the power that can come to your relationship as a safe place to love and be loved.

Though sex isn’t necessary for survival, a great sex life can bring deep connection and empowerment in your marriage that you can’t find anywhere else.   

Physical intimacy is a powerful aspect of a marriage relationship. And I believe that’s the way God intended it to be.


Myth #3 Immodesty Causes Men to Sin

When I was taught to cover up for men’s sake, I was taught more than just ‘modest is hottest.’ Modesty influenced the way I understood men's sexuality.

And it was dead wrong.  

I thought a man’s desire for sex was uncontrollable. It was MY responsibility to reign it in before marriage. And after marriage? Keep my husband sexually satisfied.  

This message also focuses on men's sexual desire coming from how women’s bodies look. It’s true, men can be visually stimulated… And so can women! But this myth only pinned men’s sexual desire to visual attraction. 

Research shows, however, that men’s sexual desire can go so much deeper than that! (check out what Dr. Sara Hunter Murray has to say about this)

This is a shallow way to view men's sexual desire.

Believing in this myth is harmful because your ability to connect can be diminished because of body insecurity. When I was stuck on the idea that my husband’s desire was only triggered by how my body looked, I missed his bids for deeper connection. 

You might be struggling with your body image as it changes through age or pregnancy. Though this is a natural thing in life, it can be difficult to overcome negative views about your body. But is it getting in your way from connecting with your spouse? These thoughts focused on your body can get in the way of you believing your loving partner desires to be with you. 

In a healthy relationship, men's sexual desire goes so much deeper than how you look.

There are so many different ways couples might want to connect intimately, and it doesn’t have to do with physical attraction! This could be feeling proud of your spouse, feeling hurt, wanting to feel supported and loved, and wanting to share joy!

So the next time your partner tries to connect and you’re feeling like a hot mess… pause. And remember that the desire for sex AND physical touch is more than just about beautiful bodies. 

Toss the Myths, Empower Your Sex Life

Allowing these myths to live rent free in your mind will damage your relationship to sex and your partner. It doesn’t have to be this way!

In a loving relationship, your partner wants to love you and feel deeply connected to you. Believing these myths will inhibit your ability to let your partner show love, and for you to feel their love in return. 

It can be tricky to catch these beliefs. You may not have considered questioning them because they seem to be the facts of life. But now you know these ideas skew sexuality for both men and women. 

Shifting these false ideas to truths about sex and connection will change your relationship for the better. Sex can be a source of power, strength and deep love in your relationship. 

If you’re ready to start making sex a joyful and fulfilling experience, grab my free resource “Create a Deeply Connecting Sex Life” TODAY!

Let's work together to create a sex life that you can love as much as you love your husband.