If you’re anything like me, you probably grew up believing that men just like sex more than women. AND if women did like sex… Well, let's just say people didn’t have very nice things to say about them.

When it came to my sexual debut, my expectations were pretty low. I consistently heard that sex would hurt the first time. 

So, either I’d have pain — or be grateful for the absence of pain. There was absolutely no discussion about the possibility that sex should and would be great for me! All of these beliefs came together to create a perfect storm of belief that sex wasn’t really about me. If my husband felt sexually fulfilled, then it was probably good enough for me as well.

Well … after years of living like this, the resentment and unfulfillment boiled over. The way I was approaching my sexual pleasure (as in, not approaching it), was hurting my marriage and the potential we had for a deeply connecting and beautiful sex life.

It wasn’t until I took my pleasure and fulfillment seriously, that my husband and I could create a sex life that was amazing for both of us.

This episode is one of our most loved. And for good reason! Carlie Palmer-Webb talks the basics of female pleasure. We uncover things you might not know, and most of us don’t even know the basics. Knowledge is power! And, yes, that even applies to sex. 

If you’re a Christian, it can be difficult finding good and sound information about sex. (I’ve been there!) Carlie and I had similar experiences as we tried to discover more about women’s pleasure and how to make sex a great part of marriage.

During her undergrad, Carlie was busy in the dating scene. This brought so many questions! She searched for info about sexuality and relationships that adhered to the beliefs and values she lived by as a Christian. 

No matter where she looked, she just couldn’t find good options. Now Carlie is a sex educator and gender and sexuality researcher. She works to be the resource she needed all those years ago. 

So, the first thing I asked Carlie was what SHOULD we know about our bodies and sexuality that we might not know (even after being married).

Carlie reminds us that it's okay if you don’t know these things! As Christians, it’s likely that you were taught very little about these topics and that's out of your control. BUT, it's never too late to learn. 

No matter your relationship status, Carlie believes everyone should know the basic ins and outs of male and female anatomy. So let’s start there. 

Same But Different

One thing you might find interesting is that male and female sexual organs all start out as the same tissues. In Emily Nagowski’s book, “Come As You Are” she puts this simply as “same parts, organized in different ways”.

Both males and females have highly sensitive organs that bring sexual pleasure. This would be the penis and the clitoris. These parts allow men and women to feel immense sexual pleasure.

Let me say (read as SHOUT) that again.

👏🏽YOU👏🏽have potential👏🏽for IMMENSE 👏🏽sexual pleasure!

In fact, did you know that unlike men, women are able to orgasm multiple times in a row? We could even say, we have more potential for pleasure than our counterparts. 

You might have never experienced an orgasm, or even enjoyed sex with your partner. But it's still possible for you.  

Sexual Anatomy 101

Female anatomy can seem like a mystery. So let's break it down! All parts found in between your legs are the external female genitalia, also known as the VULVA. 

The vulva includes: the clitoris, outer and inner labia, opening to the urethra (where pee comes out), and the opening to the vagina (where babies and menstrual blood come out). The vagina is also the opening where a penis can enter for intercourse to occur.

The head of the clitoris can be found at the very front of the vulva, and is often under a small hood. The clitoris is actually quite large, and extends further into the body. This is why, within the vulva, we refer to it as the “head”. 

The vagina is simply a canal connecting the outside of the genitalia to the uterus. 

For more details, check out a diagram here.

I didn’t even hear the word clitoris until I was in my 20s 😳 Even then, I didn’t really know where it was or what it did (besides assuming it had something to do with sex). If you’re a parent, teach your children the names of their body parts. When we avoid teaching them, it can create a perfect breeding ground for shame and misinformation.

For males, the anatomy is a little easier because it’s mostly outside the body. The penis sits in front. Behind the penis are the testicles, held within a skin sac called the scrotum. The prostate, found inside the body, also contributes to sexual functioning for men.

Sex As It Really Is

Most likely, you’ve been taught that sex is penetration or intercourse (i.e penis in vagina). But where does the clitoris come in? Carlie defines sex as “stimulation of the female's most sensitive organ and the male's most sensitive organ.” 

Often foreplay is labeled as the build up to intercourse, but looking at it with a fresh definition of sex, foreplay is the main event! “Sex is pleasure, so whatever is pleasurable is sex.” as Carlie puts it. 

Remember the whole idea where women are just as capable as men to feel pleasure during sex? Let me remind you 😉

You have potential for great sex! This is crucial to understand. We’ve been socialized to believe that the height of pleasure occurs during intercourse, but that just isn’t true for most women. The vagina has very little nerve endings. This means orgasm is unlikely to occur for women from intercourse alone.

If you think that sex is intercourse, you’ll probably miss out on the most pleasurable aspects of sex for women that occur through different forms of stimulation.

Knowledge is Power

Carlie explains, “The more we understand our capacity for sexual pleasure and how to experience sexual pleasure, the more we are able to communicate that with our partner and the better they are able to understand our experience… that is where the magic really happens!”

I don’t want to diminish that it can feel challenging to bring up conversations about sex. You might be out of practice. Or you may never have had the words or courage to bring it up to your partner.

Maybe the routine of sex has been there for years and you don’t want to rock the boat. 

No matter how long you’ve been married, it can be hard to bring up something like, “I’d like more stimulation please!” or “Can we try sex a different way?”

So, how can you try and bring your normal to a better place? 

Carlie recommends starting by relating to your partner. Men orgasm the majority of the time they have sex. This means, most of the time, their experience with sex is pleasurable. You can start with, “hey I learned that my body is capable of loving sex just as much as you do” and go from there. 

Tell your partner that it's possible for you to love sex but as Carlie says, “it’s going to happen from consistent stimulation of the clitoris, not from penetration in the vagina“.

Find What Feels Good

Pleasurable stimulation is unique to each person. So how do you find what feels good? It can be a team effort! Talk with your partner and explore. 

Some of what makes it tricky to find what feels good comes from lack of knowledge. When women learn about their clitoris and begin experimenting with their partner, it still might not feel good. 

Carlie explains that the clitoris can be over- stimulated. This can happen because you might not be sufficiently aroused, or excited for sex. Due to how sensitive the clitoris is, often there needs to be a build up of other types of physical touch (kissing, snuggling, soft caresses) before jumping to clitoral stimulation.

Another misconception is that simultaneous orgasm just happens. Simultaneous orgasm is VERY rare. If you’ve ever seen a sex scene in a movie, it often portrays this false idea. 

Decide with your partner whose pleasure to focus on first. Having open conversations with your spouse will improve connection and pleasure. Be open and learn what you both like together. 

Exploring vs Masturbation

One thing Carlie sees come up often is Christian women’s understanding of masturbation. If you align yourself with conservative christian beliefs, then you know that self stimulation is off limits. But these teachings can create an extreme, where touching yourself at all is scary. Carlie further explains that because “we don’t know what's okay…that can make space for shame.” 

Exploring and understanding what feels good in your body can be beneficial to your sex life with your partner.

This is not saying that there’s a green light for masturbation! There’s a difference between exploring and self-stimulation. 

If you know what feels good, you can let your partner know. Carlie and her husband have taken on this exploring as an activity done together. 

Carlie talks about how she believes that God intended sex to be pleasurable and relational. We were created with the ability to feel pleasure. Talk with your partner about what’s comfortable for you and what self exploration can look like. 

Start From the Beginning 

Maybe you're still wondering where to start. You're ready to increase your pleasure... But where should you begin?

First, know where your clitoris is. This is the pleasure center for women!

If you've been married for years, you know where your clitoris is and STILL don't orgasm, be open to trying new things.

Did you know it's not uncommon for women to find it hard to orgasm? A vibrator provides the most consistent and steady stimulation — which is important for women to reach orgasm. It can also be a tool to help you learn to orgasm.

Once you know how to orgasm, it'll get easier to know what you need to get there. If you and your partner are open to it, test it out and see if a vibrator can help.

It might be uncomfortable to bring up using a vibrator because sometimes it may feel like your partner is being replaced. But this isn't the case!

Sex therapist and educator Kristin B. Hodson once shared:

"If someone made you cookies...

Would you care if they were hand-mixed or mixed with an electric mixer?

I highly doubt it. And that's like using a vibrator with your partner!"

A vibrator creates sensations that humans just can't replicate. It can be one way of increasing your pleasure. Consider if this is something that would be helpful and comfortable in your relationship.

Sexual Mindfulness

If you’ve been at this for years and pleasure is still elusive, you aren’t alone. Most women have to actually learn to orgasm. It’s not always straightforward. 

One tip Carlie gives is to focus on the pleasure that you’re feeling in that moment.  

This could be the warmth of your partner's body, the feeling of his touch, his kisses. Focus on all the different sensations in that exact moment. This process is also called sexual mindfulness (you can learn all about it in this episode with sexual mindfulness expert Dr. Chelom Leavitt). This mindset allows you to be an active player in the pleasure you’re feeling rather than an observer. 

Another suggestion is to look at your relationship as a whole. 
Are there other parts of your relationship that might need a little TLC? All things in your life find their way into the bedroom. 

If you’ve found some things that are out of sorts in other parts of your relationship, focus on improving those. Maybe it's going to therapy, talking about hard things, or balancing home life between the two of you. 

Striving to resolve these things can help get your pleasure back on track. 

Moving Towards Pleasure

I hope this begins your journey into understanding more about YOUR pleasure. 

Believe that good pleasurable sex IS possible for you. 

Know that you are normal. Even if you aren’t enjoying sex right now. That’s okay! 

Doing the work to educate yourself and communicating those needs with your partner is a great way to start bringing more pleasure into the bedroom.