You know one of the top reasons women struggle to orgasm?

DISTRACTIONS! 

Distractions keep them from focusing on the pleasure they’re receiving. And there are SO many distractions that seem to pop up out of nowhere right in the middle of sexual encounters 🫣

Did we lock the door? Are we going to wake the baby? Ugh, is that really how my belly looks? Shoot! I forgot to turn off the oven.

There seems to be a million things that I have to remember everyday, and sometimes they all pop into my head right at the time I want to clear my mind and just be present with my husband.

But if you’re anything like me, lucky for us — Dr. Chelom Leavitt came on the podcast this week to teach us how to develop mindfulness in a way that can help us unlock pleasure. 

Roadblocks to Pleasure 

Women (by nature, nurture, or both!) have a knack for being other focused. Notice all those thoughts and tasks you have weighing on your mind… How many are actually focused on yourself? Mmhm 😉 I thought so. 

Not only that, but we often push our needs aside (or ignore them!) to support others. 

While looking beyond yourself is a great thing, it can be a roadblock when trying to engage in an activity where it’s important to focus on what you’re feeling, like sex. If you’re unable to know what your body is experiencing, how can you truly enjoy the pleasure and connection a sexual encounter can offer? If you only focus on your partner’s pleasure, how will you know what feels good for you?

Besides focusing on our partner’s pleasure during sex, women may also have a difficult time being present in sexual encounters depending on what's happening in other parts of their relationships. Chelom explains that if you’re feeling tension or discord between you and your husband, you cannot engage well in sex. 

So, how do you work through these roadblocks to make sex something magical? 

Presence in Pleasure

The key to creating more pleasure and connection in sex is by being more present. This can come as you practice mindfulness.

If you aren’t familiar with practicing mindfulness, start by practicing outside of the bedroom in your day to day activities. 

Mindfulness is a simple practice of focusing on your breath and observing your experience without judgement. 

Inhale. 1…2…3…4
Exhale 1…2…3…4

If thoughts arise, let them float by without clinging to them (“oh I hope she is okay! What if..) or judging them (“I shouldn’t be thinking that!”). 

During these moments of mindfulness, check in with how your body is feeling.
 
Struggling to stay mindful? Don’t sweat it! Some days will be better than others. The more you practice, the better you’ll get at staying mindful. Mindfulness is a muscle you will build over time. 

Worrisome Thoughts

Even after years of practice, there will be thoughts that creep in and are hard to let go. Some might touch on your insecurities — like worrying about what your partner is thinking of your belly rolls, or sounds you make during sexual encounters.  

If these thoughts are regular intruders, it would be good to clear the air with your partner. 

Stop the sexual encounter and share your worries. This is a moment for you and your spouse to work through it together and create a deeper bond.

This can also be true for something that is bringing tension in your relationship. Take the time to tell them what isn’t feeling good in your relationship. When you share the tough feelings, you are able to let them go or work through them with your partner. Your body will respond better to the pleasure and connection that sex can bring when you grow closer emotionally as a couple. 

Healthy Relationship = Amazing Sex

The thoughts and worries you bring into the bedroom will change the experience you have in those intimate moments. 

As Chelom says, sexual energy is really energy! If you’re troubled by things in your relationship or other situations, these feelings will hamper that energy. 

By increasing the quality of your relationship through communication, you can improve your sexual desire, as well as your arousal process. 

Sex can be powerful and healing. When you allow this energy to flow, you can fully share what Chelom says is the “majesty of sex”. 

When Interruptions Come

You might have expected that after you were married, sex would just happen. Sparks would fly, and you’d be ready and able to get it on! But, as I'm sure you’ve learned.. It doesn’t work like that. That's why it's important to intentionally set aside time to connect. 

It can be hard to fit in extra time when life carries so many responsibilities. You might be right in the middle of a sexual encounter, and a crisis arises that pulls you away from the moment. 

So what do you do when that happens? 

Practicing and improving your mindfulness will help you jump back into the moment if you're interrupted. 

If a child spills milk as you're closing the bedroom door or your teenager calls you in the middle of an evening love making session with your spouse, remember to have a sense of humor about it.

If interruptions happen, stimulus stops, or you’re feeling pain during sex … Stop and take a moment. Bring it up with your partner and make a backup plan for when these things happen during sex.

Life demands your attention sometimes, but know that you can come back to another moment of sexual intimacy. (This might even increase your longing to be together!) Try to set another time to make it to the bedroom and enjoy time together. 

You can also get creative with how you prioritize your sex life. Is there a time of day you can squeeze in alone time? (5 AM? During a lunch break?) Find a moment where dipping into pleasure is more doable. 

What Sex is Really About

Chelom says that orgasm should not be the main focus of sex. 

I know, a little unexpected huh? But let me explain. 

Orgasm can be elusive for women. And when we focus on it too much, it can backfire. 

While orgasm is a wonderful by-product of sex, it's not the whole deal. Sex is about the connection between you and your partner. 

Life will happen and distractions will come. There will always be things that come between you and your partner prioritizing sex. Start by bringing mindfulness into the bedroom and see how this can change your sex life.  

If your relationship can use a little tune up, talk about what it is that's getting in the way of feeling deep connection and pleasure in those sexual encounters. 

If you need extra tips on creating a deep emotional connection with your spouse, check out my freebie here!