There have been times in my marriage, where I’ve wished my husband would change. Why doesn’t he notice when the house is messy, or just know what I need without me having to tell him! Why can’t he just know what I want in sex, and show up in a way that makes it easier for me.

I tend to want to blame anyone other than myself for things that are going wrong. I’m not proud of it, but it’s a fact. But often, I’m the piece of the puzzle that needs changing. 

Even though I can’t control changes in others — the one thing I can control is how I show up and the changes I allow to happen in myself.

You might be in the thick of a marriage slump and things aren’t going well. The stress is high, the anger is pulsing, and you just can’t see eye to eye with your partner. It's easy to think of all the ways your partner needs to change to make the relationship better (or wonder if it’s worth it to get out of it all together). 

In a culture that’s obsessed with meet-cutes and one night stands, long term relationships aren’t given the attention they deserve. 

Marriages are hard AND can bring the joy and connection that can’t be replicated in any other relationship.

So what happens when the honeymoon phase wears off and you're left with disconnection and frustration? Instead of throwing in the towel, allow the marriage to change YOU. (In saying this, we do recognize there are appropriate times to end a relationship or marriage.)

The Ferris Wheel 🎡of a Relationship

When two people come together in a marriage, there will ALWAYS be differences. Whether it’s from cultural narratives (men want sex all the time!) or personal preferences (Christmas decorations up only after Thanksgiving) It's part of what makes marriage challenging! These differences can create patterns in relationships that are hard to change (or even notice!)

Dan Purcell, from Get Your Marriage On, relates these patterns in a relationship to a ferris wheel. Each car is locked into one position. When one car moves, the other cars move in the same cycle.

Round and round and round. 

This can be like unhealthy relationship dynamics.

One action of a partner triggers a reaction from the other. Rather than shutting the whole thing down or recreating the entire ferris wheel, it takes one partner to change their actions (or ‘switch out’ a car) to break the negative loop.

When you recognize harmful patterns in your relationship, you can change out the car for a different behavior.

Finding these patterns might take an outside opinion. Dan recommends reading books on the topic, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking help through therapy or coaching.

Once you begin to work on these patterns, you can allow the relationship to grow and change. 

The Painful, But Necessary Truth

For a marriage to thrive in and out of the bedroom, honesty needs to be the bedrock of your relationship. This can look like expressing what you’re feeling about a previous conversation, sharing something you like during a sexual encounter, or talking about why you haven’t enjoyed sex. 

This is easier said than done. 

Being vulnerable can be scary! But that's part of what makes a marriage beautiful. Sharing who you truly are and allowing your partner to do the same is risky business! And it’s the only way to bring a deep connection that’s found nowhere else. 

Framing Conflict As a Chance For Growth

When conflict comes (and it always does!) it’s a chance to lean in and allow change in your relationship. Conflict often shows the weak points between partners. And the only way to get stronger as a couple is to move through it with grace. 

Marriage requires individuals to forge Christ-like characteristics like: being a good listener, compassion, and patience. But you and your partner will both need to be willing to work through it. 

It’s helpful to ask yourself, “What am I bringing to the table in this marriage?” or “What can I do differently?” There are things that you can do to help the relationship AND there are things you have no control over. 

Your partner's desire, stressors, or orgasm are not something you can change. Focusing on what you’re bringing to the relationship can help support your partner while letting go of things you can’t fix. 

It’s difficult to change a relationship when you’re constantly critiquing your spouse and your relationship. Come with openness and a humility that will allow you and your partner to be seen and loved for who you are.