Several years ago, I reached a point of exhaustion and overwhelm that led to my mental health almost crashing down.

There was pressure on me to have an immaculate house, home cooked meals, and be on top of EVERYTHING!

Needless to say, I broke. 

I was living life the way I thought I “should be.” I was suppressing what could actually bring me joy and help me create deep relationships, in order to meet the standards of motherhood I put on myself — as well as the standards society asked of me.

I was miserable. I found little to no joy in motherhood, felt like a shell, and didn’t even know what I would do with time to myself.

I came to realize that my marriage, my kids, and myself were all suffering because I was trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t me. When I finally started to prioritize myself and actually voice where I was drowning (much of this was with childcare and housework), I realized that I could do motherhood in a way that brought me joy!

My husband and I could be more deeply connected when we both showed up authentically and were a TEAM in the housework and childcare.

Don’t get me wrong — caregiving can be deeply fulfilling. But the fulfillment can only happen when we do motherhood in a way that’s authentic to us. In a way that gives us room to be human and a full individual. In a way that doesn’t require us to carry most (or all) of the mental load that should go along with parenthood (not motherhood).

Can you relate?


There is so much to do when taking care of a household. And when you add kids to the mix, it can feel like it's too much to handle. 


Women are traditionally (and still often expected to be) responsible for taking care of MOST of the home and childcare tasks. Even if you have a career outside of the home😮‍💨

The reality is, these responsibilities are too much for one person to carry. 

If you’re in a marriage where you’re carrying most of the mental load in the household, it's easy for anger and resentment to build up. 

Sometimes you might not have the words to explain your feelings. Emptiness? Exhaustion? Resentment? It’s not the dishes, the trash, or the homework help. It's so much more!

Holding All the Cards
All of these tasks and decisions you need to make concerning your home and your children (daily!) are part of what's called the mental load. If you want more detail about the mental load check out this article here.

Paige Connell learned about the mental load when she was deep in exhaustion and couldn’t keep up. After adding her 4th kid, she could no longer keep up on all the invisible labor she contributed to their home. 

At the beginning, she couldn’t even talk about it.

As Paige says in our interview, 

“I couldn’t say why I was mad. I just was. And I couldn't say anything because I wasn’t this angry about the trash or I'm not this angry about the dishes I'm just angry about everything.”

Have you felt overwhelmed from all the tasks you’re trying to juggle to keep the house in order? 

Are you feeling empty inside with no time for yourself? 

Are you feeling completely touched out?

Do you resent your husband for sitting on his phone while you scramble to get things done? 

These could be signs that you’re feeling burnout from a heavy mental load, and the only way that it can get better is if you talk about it with your partner and work together to support one another. 

After reading Eve Rodsky’s book, Fair Play, Paige had her eyes opened to what she was experiencing. This began her journey to create a more equitable household.

Through playing the Fair Play card game, Paige and her husband were able to see the inequities in their home. 

How many ‘cards’ are you holding in your home? Understanding what’s on each partner’s plate can allow for each partner to be seen AND start the conversation. If you’re feeling the overwhelm of family life, it's time to see what you carry and talk about it with your partner. 

Make a Plan for You
Equity in marriage looks different in each relationship. Your partner could work the night shift, you might be a stay at home parent with more flexibility, or a partner might have a personality more fit for a task. These things should be considered when divvying up ownership of household tasks.  

It’s crucial to find what works for you and your partner in your circumstances! The only requirement? BOTH partners need to feel seen and supported.

Tips to Start the Conversation
Here are some things to keep in mind as you start the conversation with your partner to create a more equitable household:

Have the conversation with Grace and Kindness
No one wants to feel criticized or attacked in a relationship. This should be a place of emotional safety. Paige shares that nothing was accomplished in her relationship until she was able to approach the conversation with kindness. 

Take a breath.
Express your needs.
Share openly with love.

Each Partners Time is Valuable
Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom or career woman, there is one crucial thing to remember. 

Your time is valuable. Your partner’s time is valuable.

It doesn’t matter if you bring money into the household or contribute through domestic labor and child rearing. Both partners need to feel valued and supported.

Understand the Story Behind the Task
Recognize humanity in the standards you and your spouse hold for household responsibilities. 

It might be what ‘clean’ means to you, allowing kids to choose another option for dinner, or how sick days go in your home.

Ask your partner why they feel the way they do, or share with them why you have certain expectations around a task. Understanding the ‘why’ behind it will help you and your partner to respect one another's experiences and find common ground for how these tasks should be completed.

Challenge Expectations
There will always be disagreements when it comes to how a job gets done. But there might be other pressures weighing into these expectations. 

Often, you put time and value into a task that you feel is attached to your identity. Men may prioritize yard work, the garage, car maintenance and their own careers. While women may prioritize how their kids are dressed, the cooking of meals, and the cleanliness of their home.
 
While a lot of these can be important, recognize that society doesn’t have to tell you what you and your partner should prioritize and how to get these jobs done. 

Some expectations might not be as important as you originally thought. Be willing to challenge these ideas! Are you caring too much about how your kids' hair is done? Do you obsess over how often the floor is mopped? It might be time to let some of these things go.  

Holding unrealistic expectations will just frustrate you and your spouse. Decide together what’s reasonable, important, and what might not fit in your lifestyle right now. 

Share the Load for a Thriving Relationship
When spouses work together to share the load, it lessens resentment and improves teamwork. 

When partners have room to be themselves, there’s more of themselves to give each other.

Paige felt a difference in her relationship, as she says they were happier and able to enjoy each other's company without carrying resentment or anger towards one another. 

Bringing balance to household work can also give each individual space to breathe! It might free up space to do things that will fill your cup. Investing time in yourself will fill you and allow you to give more to your relationships. 

Maybe it's that pottery class you’ve been eyeing, hanging out with friends, or going back to work! Finding something to do that is separate from work and homelife can be refreshing and important for both partners. 

What do you love to do? What will stretch and help you grow? 

If you’re unsure where to start, check out my freebie Grow Into Loving Motherhood and reclaim who you are and what you love!

The Sexual Connection
Stress and resentment build up when you’re feeling little support in your relationship. These feelings will only create barriers in your intimacy with your spouse. It's not just what happens in the bedroom; all parts of your relationship will affect your sex life! Hard feelings will cut off emotional connection. And once that happens? Your sexual desire and connection will disappear. 

Working through this is crucial to feeling like a healthy individual and having a happy relationship. 


Choose today to make your home more equitable and see your relationship thrive!