With summer in full swing, the pressure to create magical moments with our loved ones can be a lot. I often dream of fancy getaways or vacations as the best way to make memories and bring joy to my family. But honestly, it’s usually the small moments that build memories.

A couple years ago, we surprised our older 2 children with a short getaway to Disneyland. It was great to just be with the two of them. We had two days full of fun and magic.

At the end of the trip I asked them what their favorite thing had been. You know what they said? Jessi’s carousel. Out of all the magical rides at Disneyland, they liked the carousel the best 🙃

The irony. I could take them on a carousel much closer to home and pay a lot less for it!

I don’t regret that trip to Disney at all, but it was a good reminder to me that I often put a lot of stock in the big moments of our lives to create memories. But often, my kids remember when I sat down and played legos or house, and those consistent moments are what create consistent joy and connection.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go on a trip (cause you know I’m the type of person to grab that opportunity when it comes), but I hope you can recognize you don’t need to spend a lot of money on a fancy vacation to create magical moments. These can happen during the bread and butter of your day to day living. 

Melissa Havertz joins me in this episode to help us learn how to shift our mundane tasks to joyful moments. 

Let's first acknowledge that life can be rough! You might be going through something so heavy that joy seems impossible to reach. If this is the case, these small tweaks just might not cut it. Take heart, friend. Seek the help you need from services and trained professionals to weather the storm.

A few years ago, Melissa was feeling the heaviness of the mundane in her life. There was a moment that helped change her perspective. She was listening to an episode of Rachel Nielson's "3 in 30" podcast, which talked about how instead of saving for a huge annual vacation, Rachel and her husband invested in a monthly babysitting budget to create more joy in their daily lives. This inspired Melissa to make the changes she was seeking. 

Melissa has worked over the years to get out of this rut - and her experiences show this! She offered so many ideas to help you see what it can look like to lean into joy and make your life a little more magical, without the fancy vacation.


The Importance of Perspective 

In 2007, a study divided a female hotel cleaning staff into two groups. One group was told that their cleaning routine contributed to a healthy active lifestyle, while the other group was not. The informed group saw huge health improvements. All because their perspective on their work changed. 

Melissa shared, “Our perspective on everyday activities holds a lot of power. Imagine if you could shift your mundane moments to be opportunities to connect with the relationships that matter most to you.” When you see your daily activities as valuable, it will strengthen your relationships.

Melissa focused on 3 important connections: yourself, with your partner, and with your kids. 

Within these categories, she covered 3 areas you can consider to strengthen each connection: emotional, physical, and recreational.  

Connecting with Yourself

The Struggle
A relationship with just me, myself and I? Yes! This is a huge struggle for women to see themselves as worthy of connection and focus. Melissa believes that women are often so entangled in relationships around them that it overshadows their beliefs and behaviors. We look outward too often and it can hurt us. Look inward! What do you like? What do you value? What makes you laugh? “If you are emotionally connected to yourself,” Melissa explained, “ you are going to be much more able to authentically connect to the people around you.” 

Emotional 
So what does it look like to be emotionally connected to yourself? It starts with you and what you love. It will look different for different people. Melissa has used Apple's health app to track her moods. This helped her to catch mood patterns and understand her needs. She also enjoys taking moments to appreciate beauty, like setting a table with a tablecloth or looking at floral prints on a piece of sentimental silverware. 

For me, I’ve also chosen to simplify tasks that don't serve me emotionally, like opting for quick meals instead of homemade-everything cooking.

Physical 
When it comes to physical connection, exercise might be the first thing that comes to mind. While exercise is a great example of this, there are many more ways to connect with yourself physcially. 

Melissa suggested using a guided breathing app to ground yourself throughout the day. It can also be as simple as enjoying your favorite snacks outside or lingering longer in a hot shower. 

Recreational 
With checklists and priorities consuming most of your time (#adulting), it’s easy to feel guilty about taking time for fun. But fun is crucial to your well-being. You won’t regret creating space for it! As one of Melissa's favorite quotes wisely says, “The work is never done; you have to laugh during the work.”

Do your days revolve around changing diapers, managing tantrums, and endless grocery shopping? Maybe you’ve even forgotten what you enjoy doing. I’ve been there! Explore my resource, "Grow into Loving Motherhood" where I outline five steps to rediscover yourself while juggling the demands of motherhood. Joy and connection are possible in this stage of life, and I’m here to help. These steps helped me along my journey, and they can do the same for you.

Another suggestion from happiness expert Gretchen Rubin is to think about what you loved doing when you were ten years old. This can help you identify activities you still enjoy today. For example, Melissa dreamed of running a restaurant or flower shop and being an author. While she isn't living that exact dream, parts of it still bring her joy—cooking, flowers, and reading books. Personally, I loved playing sports as a child and continue to find joy in them today as a floor hockey player. While you might not be able to do something joyful every day, incorporating it into your weekly routine gives you something to look forward to.


Connecting with Your Partner

Emotional 
Living with someone daily can make you think there’s nothing new to discover. Relationship experts Julie and John Gottman teach that we experience new things everyday and change because of it. Your partner is constantly changing and so are you! There is always something new to discover. The key to keeping your emotional connection strong with your partner is curiosity.

Keep asking open-ended questions and understand that each day brings new things to learn about your spouse. Maintaining curiosity and letting your partner learn about you can help your relationship stay connected over the years. Melissa's husband sends her lunchtime texts every day, something she looks forward to. They also hold a 'state of the union' meeting every Friday with their favorite treat and drink to plan the upcoming week.

I've been making an effort to stop and give Kyle a hug or ask how he's doing when I see him during the day. Since he works from home, it's easy to just pass each other by. Another way to emotionally connect is through vulnerability. Sharing disagreements, heartaches, or personal truths can be challenging, especially if you're out of practice. I’ve been working on talking to Kyle about my feelings as soon as I'm ready, so I don't bottle them up.

Physical 
You bet sex makes the top of the list for ways to connect with your spouse physically. But consider other ways to physically connect that don’t have to lead to sex. With this, it's important to communicate your expectations clearly with your partner. If you want to cuddle without it leading to sex, tell them! It might seem obvious, but it can be hard to do. Most of us haven’t been taught to discuss expectations openly, but we can start now.

If initiating sex is hard for you, have open conversations with your partner about it. If this still leads to conflict, consider speaking to a therapist for insight on how to navigate the situation.

Melissa and her husband used to watch their own shows in separate rooms. Now, they watch shows together in bed while cuddling with no strings attached. This has made all the difference! That extra time cuddling and time together has brought more closeness to their relationship. Other ideas include the Gottmans' six-second kiss when you or your spouse arrive home, holding hands, taking showers together, or giving each other back rubs.

Recreational 
Going out on dates might have been a typical thing while you and your partner were dating. But as time and circumstances changed, it might not be so easy to get out anymore! This doesn’t have to stop you from enjoying something fun together. Melissa recommended making a watch list on your favorite streaming service, playing or listening to music, gardening or reading together. One evening, Melissa and her husband compared strange pringle flavors and critiqued them. Remember it doesn’t have to be big to make it special. 

Connecting with Your Kids

Emotional
It can be exhausting caring and connecting with your kids (especially if you are with them all day every day!) Before you add another to-do list item for creating those joyful moments, think about what you’re already doing. Maybe it's snuggling up and reading at night (like me!) Or telling them you love them every day before school.  

Rituals are a great way to build connection. And it doesn’t have to be complicated! A ritual could look like; sharing the high and lows over dinner or taking pictures of your kids throughout the day. Melissa said that when she goes into the day trying to find something good with her kids, it helps her see that good. 

Physical
A physical connection could be as simple as a hug or a touch. Melissa will give quick hugs to each of her kids and help the little ones out of bed. At night, Melissa’s family has a tradition that started with her dad to give each kid “a hug, a kiss, and a pat on the back”. Your kids sometimes need that physical reassurance that you are there and are loved. 

Pairing a mindset of positivity with a physical way of caring for your kids can help keep you focused on the good. When Melissa is doing her kids' hair in the morning, she thinks of one thing that she loves about them. This helps remind her how important they are in her life.  

If you have teenagers at home, try bringing out food. One mother of teens said that if food is out, they will come! Taking care of them physically can invite other ways to connect. If food brings them close, take time to chat with them or rub their back. 

Recreational
Kids seem to have a knack for bringing fun into the day. Adults can thrive from having fun too! Follow their lead or invite them into doing something you like to do. Melissa enjoys crafting and reading, so she includes that in their family’s morning routine. Their family also holds a monday night movie with pizza and games. 

The planning can be minimal but create impact. Turn on music in the car during carpool, listen to audiobooks, or play sports together. 

What are you doing to create moments of fun with your kids? It can be easy as adults to go through the motions, but savoring and investing in those moments of joy will lighten the load and bring deeper connection in your relationships. 

Cheers to a Joyful Life
Creating a life you love starts with perspective. Just like the hotel maids had shifted their perspective to see value in the work they were already doing, recognize what you are already doing. Can you see how these little things create joy in your life? Lean in to those moments. As Melissa said, “We are not having to create a life that we love, we are already living one that we love.”

If you have room for more, build on what you are doing. Or take some of these ideas for a spin! You might find something that can add to your relationships. Live a life that you don’t have to escape from. Discover a life that is worth loving.