Why is it you can give yourself grace when you’re learning a new instrument or sport, but when it comes to sex, you feel like you should know everything the first time?

If you’re anything like me, you can relate to this! I knew I needed to practice to be a better runner and violinist, but somehow thought that the sex we experienced on our honeymoon was what sex would be like … like for forever!

But just like you can get better at sports and instruments, you can also get better at sex. You can experience sex in a lot of different ways. Some sex can be fast and full of passion, other encounters can be slow, deliberate and tender, while some may be fun and exciting. 

AND, the best part? You get to choose the type of sex life you want to create. 

What you desire from sex can change from day to day or season to season. And through the changing seasons of your life, you’ll find you need to adjust how you prioritize sex and even the type of sex you have. 

Many things come in and out of your life that affect how you can show up in the bedroom. Things like kids, illness, aging, as well as the time and effort you put into your sex life. Recognizing the current phase of life you find yourself in, and learning how to adapt, can help you keep intimacy alive in your marriage — despite the struggles and seasons you experience.

Tammy Hill joins me on this episode to cover what you can expect in your sex life throughout your lifespan. She has a wealth of knowledge as a mother, step-mother, therapist, and professor. She shares what she has seen come up in each stage of life and gives tips to find joy and fulfillment in sex - no matter the season!

The Newlywed Era

In Tammy’s therapy practice, a large portion of her clients are in the early transition phase of marriage. It can be exciting and full of anticipation as you and your partner begin your sexual lives together. But let's face it… it doesn’t always play out like you thought it would. 

Tammy said, “you think you are going to have these fireworks… and it just never feels like that sometimes.” Along with high expectations, we often both lack the education. Especially around women’s pleasure! Couples don’t have the anatomy know-how to create pleasure and get those fireworks going. Tammy encouraged couples in early marriage to seek out good information about increasing that pleasure. There are so many good books and resources to level up your sex life! 

Here are a couple of resources to help you get started:
 
 
 
 





The biggest struggle, Tammy has seen, is when one or both partners have experience with pornography. Pornography creates a template for solo sex. But when partners want to make love, it can be difficult to transition into having relational sex. Learning about good relational sex and professional therapy can help couples navigate this challenge. 

In the early years of marriage, it can seem like your intimacy is going nowhere. Remember that sex can and should change over your lifetime. If you aren’t having good sex now, keep learning! It's a journey. With patience and intention, the fireworks will come. 

When you are raising young kids, there's nothing you want more than to take a big long nap. Parenting is exhausting! On top of parenting, there are so many other things to juggle. Different schedules, pregnancy / postpartum discomforts, and changes in your body image (did I mention pregnancy?). The big picture is - sex can feel unimportant. But we know from research that it is important. Sex helps couples stay connected and supported in their relationship. 

Tammy explained, “When couples are not having sex.. Research shows they typically are not happy in their marriages... It's an important part of your relationship to make time for.”
You are probably rolling your eyes thinking “oh yeah, just add it to my to do list of a billion important things I need to be doing.” But it's possible, friend! Prioritizing your sex life in this stage can give more than it takes. 

Tammy has felt the urgency to help and has created The Touch Love Connect Club. Tammy guides this community as they navigate this challenging stage. Find it here.
 
Our biggest tip is to find what works for you during this stage. If you are pregnant and can’t stand the smell of your lover, try cuddling naked. Can’t find the time without being exhausted? Make love a different time of day (morning sex can be great too!). Quickies might be what works for now with crazy schedules. Tammy recommends having a great vibrator on hand. This can increase pleasure while shortening the time for a woman's arousal. When you are feeling it, make it happen. And be creative in your circumstances! 

Sexy Parenthood

Living with teenagers and young adults

When Tammy’s eldest son was thirteen, their family was expecting a third child. When telling him of the new baby, Tammy said his response was, “‘the only embarrassing thing is, I know what you had to do to get this way.” Teens and young adults know what’s going on. And that can feel tricky! 

On top of the awkwardness teens may feel about their parents making love, they never seem to go to bed! Having time for intimacy after bedtime doesn’t often work for couples in this phase. To find ways to connect sexually, think outside of the box. One way Tammy and her husband would work around this was to send their kids out of the house regularly. With cash in hand, the siblings would leave to do something fun together, like see a movie, or go shopping. Tammy and her husband had the house to themselves for at least a few hours.  

It's also helpful to have conversations with your young adults and teenagers about sex. Let them know that it is an important part of connecting with a spouse. This is a lesson they will appreciate as they begin lifelong relationships in adulthood. 

Empty Nester era

After years of a house full of children, developing careers, and all that adult life has to offer, empty nesting opens up new possibilities. Often, there is more time, space, and freedom in your life at this stage. This can trickle down into your relationship. In Tammy’s experience, she says, “empty nesting is a blast!” Her and her husband are currently living the empty nester life and enjoying its perks. 

Some couples might have drifted with the busier years of raising kids. This is the time to reconnect! Find something that you enjoy doing together and start there; whether it’s pickleball, painting, or hiking — get out there and try it together. This will help nurture friendship and start experiences outside the bedroom that can move into the bedroom.

Tammy recommends “alternating pursuing your partner”. This means that for one week one partner is the pursuer, while the other partner receives. The pursuing partner does things like: schedule the date that week, makes all the moves, and instigates sex. That partner focuses on bringing pleasure to their partner with their partner's preferences in mind. Once the week is up, switch rolls! 

This stage of life can bring on challenges such as; changes in your body as you age, and chronic pain. Tammy recommends staying active and healthy as much as you can to prepare for sex at this age.

With chronic pain, it can take a major toll on your body and desire. If you’re in pain constantly, having sex might not be top of mind…ever. Tammy has experienced this while managing chronic back pain for four years, while waiting for surgery. This experience led her to discover Tantric sex aka “slow sex”. Learning about slow sex gave Tammy’s sex life a fresh start during a time of physical pain. Finding new ways to enjoy pleasure with your spouse can open up doors you didn’t realize were there. 

Life often hands us experiences we never would have asked for. Life is full of these. Tammy can relate as she has faced challenges of infertility and loss.
 
For 13 years, Tammy struggled with infertility. “Sex became about the baby instead of having fun together. It became routine; mechanical.” And this is the opposite of what a good sex life can be! 

Tammy suggests couples experiencing infertility try to keep sex playful. She and her husband would intentionally have sex in one place that was away from distractions. They began dating each other again and building up sexual anticipation. When Tammy felt discouraged from trying to have a baby, they would take a break from the treatments to reconnect. Then, when she felt ready again, they would try for a baby again.

During the years Tammy experienced infertility, she didn’t have access to the education we have today on mental health. Tammy wishes she’d known how to encapsulate her experience. Capsulating is like creating an imaginary box. You put all the emotions you are feeling around infertility — your worry, sadness, brokenness, depression — in that box. You put those feelings away. When you are ready, let yourself open that box. Look at each feeling. See it for what it is. Give yourself time to sit and feel all those. And then… put the box away. Live your life! Don’t let these emotions consume every second of your day. 

Bumps in the road

The big takeaways

With all of her experience, here is Tammy’s advice for couples moving through these seasons of life:

Let loose and enjoy the journey more. You don’t need to be so rigid in your sexuality. 

 “You get to create what you want in marriage …Give yourself permission to enjoy the sexual person that you are … and don’t be afraid of that passionate energy you were designed to have.“

A healthy sex life with your spouse can bring strength and beauty into your marriage. Keep working on it and it can grow and change just as you do over the years. Prioritizing intimacy in your marriage, at ANY stage, will help it to grow and become more than you thought possible.